There’s a trend I’ve noticed for quite some time. And I gotta tell ya, I see this behavior more frequently in women leaders than in their male counterparts. (In fact, it came up three times with coaching clients last week alone.)
And it’s toxic. Toxic to the person exhibiting this behavior, that is.
What behavior am I talking about, you ask?
People pleasing. AKA the Disease to Please.
Yep, I’m looking at you. And if you’ve got it, it’s probably sabotaging your success and your career and your professional brand (how people perceive you).
People pleasing, as I’m referring to it here, is the tendency to put other people’s needs ahead of your own.
To. A. Fault.
It is also accompanied by a strong desire to be liked and a fear of letting people down.
I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty about it. (Because that would be a vicious circle, wouldn’t it?) I just want you to be conscious and aware of it.
It’s likely not your fault. I say this not to imply that you are a victim, but simply to explain the origins of this behavior.
Full disclosure: The reason I so readily spotted this unhealthy behavior is because I used to 100% operate from this place. And of course, I still catch myself slipping back into it from time to time.
Growing up I was always told – whether explicitly or implicitly – to be seen and not heard. As the youngest of seven kids, I was basically an inconvenience and a nuisance to the rest of the family. As a result, I was eager to please and to do what it took to earn positive attention. (To a point. Ya’ll know I am, and always will be a bit of a rebel.)
Now, just to be clear, I’m NOT saying this to paint myself as a victim. I have led a very privileged life and I am blessed beyond measure. I know my parents and my family love me and did the best they knew how. But I have done the inner work and the self-discovery necessary to identify and then to be able to move past these old behaviors.
Maybe you didn’t have the same challenges as me growing up, but mayhaps you have the same “disease,” just for different reasons.
In our culture, many girls were encouraged to be “nice” and accommodating. Maybe you worked super hard to make good grades so you could earn the praise of your parents. Or maybe you were super sensitive to disappointing your parents, teachers, or anyone significant in your life, so you were helpful and thoughtful and accommodating.
Carrying this into adulthood, you may volunteer for the craptacular tasks that no one else wants to do. Once you set that precedent, then others will come to you asking you to take on more craptacular assignments, especially since you’re so good at them. Right? (Insert eye roll emoji here.)
Notice I said that you set the precedent. When you’re willing to take on something that you really don’t want to do, or that means you put your needs last, you unwittingly teach people how to treat you.
Ultimately it’s always about trying to please others so you can have a feeling of satisfaction. Ironically, though, it has the opposite effect. Often you just end up with a PITA task to do and a bucketful of resentment.
Regardless of the reasons or sources of your people pleasing practices, the first step, as they say, is to recognize that you have a problem.
If you’re not sure that you’re a full-blown people pleaser, here are some signs:
- You frequently feel overwhelmed and like you’ve got waaaayy more to do than there are hours in this century.
- You will go to extreme measures to avoid telling someone no.
- You’ll do anything – like willingly consider stabbing a hot poker in your eye – to avoid confrontation of any kind.
- You frequently find yourself in situations where you’re initially flattered by someone’s request of you, only to have that flattery turn to resentment when you’ve agreed to taking on the “thing.” (Can I get an Amen on that one?)
As a fully paid member in good standing of the People Pleasers Anonymous Club, who’s fallen off the wagon puhlenty of times, (or is it that I’ve gotten on the wagon? I can never remember), I can relate.
But before you end up completely burnt out, I encourage you to take a look in the metaphorical mirror on a regular basis and ask yourself what’s at the root of your decisions. If your driving force is keeping people happy, maintaining the status quo, or not rocking the boat, then you may need to change tacks.
If your focus is the greater good of the organization and people involved, then you’re on the right path.
If you’d like a guide on the side to help you identify where you may unintentionally be self-sabotaging, let’s talk! Schedule your complimentary discovery call with me today!
You might also like:
Hope is Not a Leadership Strategy
The Best-Kept Secret of High Performing Teams
Lead Yourself and Your Team Out of the Land of Stuck
Jennifer Ledet, CSP, is a leadership consultant and professional speaker (with a hint of Cajun flavor) who equips leaders from the boardroom to the mailroom to improve employee engagement, teamwork, and communication. In her customized programs, leadership retreats, keynote presentations, and breakout sessions, she guides leaders to live and lead by choice, not chance.
