Have you ever found that, despite your best intentions, when faced with a challenging situation, you tend to unconsciously fall back on the same ole, lame ole responses? Yeah me neither.
Okay if we’re both honest, maybe we do this just a leeetle bit. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say you want to stop engaging in gossip because you know that gossip can be really destructive and you don’t like the negative, judgy energy you’re creating (or at a minimum participating in). But every time you go to lunch with a certain person, you end up jumping right in and shoo-shooing with the best of ’em.
That’s a pretty basic example, but unconsciously falling back on old behaviors can dramatically impact your leadership success, and frankly all of your relationships. What I want to focus on here today is that word unconscious.
You have no doubt been told a quadrillion times that your habits control the direction of your life. This is certainly true in our own personal daily habits, like diet and exercise.
But as a leader have you ever given any thought to how habits affect your interactions with people?
Unfortunately too many of our interactions are driven by habit and unconscious reaction. And that will continue until you decide to make a change. As Albert Einstein famously said,
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
So think about a situation in your life that you’d like to change. Notice I didn’t say think about a person you’d like to change. Oh I know there are people you’d like to change. Good luck with all of that.
Sorry to be the Oracle of Obvious, but in case you haven’t noticed, you cannot change other people. You can, however, change how you respond and interact with others. And when you do that, you might just find that you end up with less stress and more sanity.
Okay so back to that situation you’d like to change. Ask yourself
“What would I like to have happen instead?”
Let’s say that you have a team member who always seems to press your buttons (I’m sure you’ve never had that happen, right? Insert eye roll). Knowing that you cannot change that person, how might you respond so as to lessen the impact of their button pressing?
Think about this now and write down your answers. The idea here is to have a plan, to think through the possible scenarios in advance so that you’re able to lead by design rather than default. This is like when you’re trying to eat healthier and you have a nutritious snack before going to a party, so you won’t be tempted by that delectable charcuterie tray at the party (Or at least I’ve heard of people doing this. Me? I’m going straight for the charcuterie).
Write down your intentions for how you want to consciously and intentionally respond to your aforementioned button presser the next time you engage with them. Maybe even come up with a mantra or phrase that you can repeat to yourself. Have a meeting coming up with that PITA person? (And I’m not referring the animal rights organization.) Review your self-notes and/or mantras before walking into the meeting. You might even want to review them every morning before you head out the door.
In my earlier example with your gossipy friend, you might plan to change the subject or say something positive to gently steer the conversation in a different direction. Whatever you do, the idea is to have a plan.
Next, as Brian, my yoga instructor says,
Check in with yourself throughout the day. How are you doing?
When my son Philip was young, he had a train that would come off the tracks frequently, but all it needed was a gentle nudge with your index finger to get it back on track. In the same way, if you check in with yourself throughout the day, often all that’s needed is a tweak or reminder to get you back on track.
My coaching clients find it helpful to then reflect on their week and assess how well they did with their new and improved, intentional responses. I ask them to rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 meaning “I totally nailed it.” If they rate themselves lower than a 4, they are then asked what will have to happen for their rating to be higher next week.
I’m not gonna lie. Changing habits ain’t easy, especially when you’ve got people pushing your buttons right and left. But being intentional, making small tweaks, and checking yourself before you wreck yourself is a great place to start.
If you find these tips helpful, be sure to subscribe to my channel on YouTube so you don’t miss any future videos.
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Jennifer Ledet, CSP, is a leadership consultant and professional speaker (with a hint of Cajun flavor) who equips leaders from the boardroom to the mailroom to improve employee engagement, teamwork, and communication. In her customized programs, leadership retreats, keynote presentations, and breakout sessions, she cuts through the BS and talks through the tough stuff to solve your people problems.
